Fic: How Not to Write a Sex Scene

[obliviateamores]

Title: How Not to Write a Sex Scene
Author: obliviateamores
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Draco’s leather pants are rather enticing. A badfic parody.
Word Count: ~1000 words
Notes: For the birthday of the most excellent turtleinatardis. I promise I can actually write. This is, I reinforce, a parody. Epithets are to be used only by the great Homer, clichés should be avoided, men calling each other baby is frankly disturbing, and no metaphors for cock should ever be used. Seriously.

turtleinatardis, here is the fandom part of your birthday present. I hope the humour appeals.



Harry watched Malfoy’s swaying hips as he sauntered across the Great Hall. Somehow over the weekend he had managed to get hold of a pair of extremely tight fitting leather trousers. To be quite frank, they highlighted his pert arse perfectly.

Harry rushed to follow Malfoy out into the Entrance Hall. As Malfoy turned and began to climb the stairs, Harry caught up with him enough to walk two steps behind him. Now he was afforded a perfect view.

Harry was happily smiling to himself and didn’t notice Malfoy stopping until he almost bumped into him. As Malfoy turned, Harry appreciated the fact that the front view was, in fact just as good as the rear in these trousers. Slowly, he raised his eyes to Malfoy’s face.

‘Like what you see, Potter?’ said the blond Slytherin, suggestively yet with a hint of aggression in his tone.

Harry couldn’t stop himself from smiling. ‘That depends.’ He raised one eyebrow, and climbed up one more stair so his face was only just below Malfoy’s. ‘Is it available?’

Malfoy smirked at the Gryffindor. ‘Possibly,’ he replied.

‘Good,’ said Harry, and moving in towards Draco, claimed his mouth in a scorching kiss.

His tongue delved between the blond’s lips, reaching the buried treasure below. But Draco fought back, their tongues battling for dominance, each giving no quarter. The brunet lifted his hand to tangle it in the other’s hair. He moaned into Draco’s mouth, then separated from him. He tugged him along by his wrist, up the stairs and down the corridor.

‘Where are you taking me?’ asked Draco.

‘Somewhere where I can take those ridiculous trousers off you without anyone else getting to see,’ growled Harry.

Draco gasped, and hurried along more eagerly. ‘A little selfish, aren’t we?’ he said.

Harry glanced up and down the corridor, then pulled Draco into an empty classroom. He shut the door, then immediately pushed Draco up against it. ‘When it comes to that lovely piece of arse, I don’t want anyone but me to get any of it.’

Draco leaned forward to meet his insistent mouth once more. Then he groaned aloud and flung his head back as the Gryffindor moved his mouth to his neck.

‘Oh, Harry, take me!’ he screamed.

Harry growled in the back of his throat, and let go of Draco for a moment, only to drop to his knees in front of him. ‘First,’ he said, ‘I’m going to take these ridiculous trousers off you.’

‘Oh, baby, I only bought them to attract your attention,’ squealed Draco.

‘Well they certainly worked,’ replied Harry, undoing the fastenings at the front. They parted, revealing Draco’s black silk boxers, which were bulging distinctly.
Harry pulled down the leather, and Draco’s erection bobbed up free of the material. Harry pulled out his wand, and abruptly vanished all of the Slytherin’s clothes, except for that enticing scrap of black silk, and then vanished all of his own.

Draco’s mouth fell open as he stared, mouth watering, at the Gryffindor’s impressive equipment.

‘Oh, Harry,’ he moaned, staring down at his weeping member. ‘Please.’

Harry stood up, and turned Draco round forcefully, so his face was to the wall. Then he ran his hands down his back to the hips that peeked out of the boxers.

He slid one hand down the back of the black silk to cup one rounded buttock, and wrapped the other round Draco’s cock. Then he tugged off the material, allowing the blond’s swollen member to spring free.

The Gryffindor rubbed his own erection against the cleft of Draco’s behind, and moaned in pleasure as the taller boy thrust back against him. He picked up his wand from the ground, and used it to hurriedly conjure some lube. Draco shivered slightly at the cold feeling, as Harry pressed a finger at his entrance.

Then he moaned as Harry took his hands away from him, leaving him standing alone against the wall.

‘Come over here, love,’ said Harry in a low voice. ‘Bend over this desk.’

Draco rushed to obey, and spread his arse cheeks willingly. Harry finished preparing him, then pressed the blunt head of his swollen man sabre against his pink puckered entrance.

The blond gasped as the full length of his flesh entered him in one long stroke, and then moaned in pleasure. ‘Oohhhhhh, yes, more, Harry!’ he shouted.

Harry’s head dropped down to press kisses against Draco’s elegant neck, and began to stroke Draco’s own meat stick firmly. The Gryffindor groaned and his thrusts were met eagerly by Draco, who let out his own moan as his prostate was repeatedly hit.

‘Ahh, Draco, I’m close,’ Harry panted.

‘Yes, come for me, baby,’ Draco replied, and this encouragement was all it took for Harry to shoot his essence deep inside him.

At the feeling of this, Draco quickly shot his own load, leaving it splattered across the desk. Harry pulled slowly out of the Slytherin, who moaned at the sensation, and turned round to kiss the other boy sweetly.

‘We should do this again soon,’ he said mischievously.

The Gryffindor grinned back at him. ‘Be sure to wear your leather pants,’ he replied.