Pairing(s): Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Kink/trope featured: Epistolary, Drunk!Harry
Rating: NC-17. I think.
Notes: For Draco's birthday party at dracomalfoy. Prompt by capitu. This probably wasn’t what you wanted from the prompt, but have a little piece of mostly floof anyways :). It isn’t as smutty as it could be, but I think Harry is a probably a British man who doesn’t like to talk about sex... All spelling mistakes are Harry’s, not mine. Draco doesn’t make spelling mistakes. (Also, I’m covering up for my terrible typing.) I'm a bit shy of posting since nobody else seems to have done so yet but I'm going to jump in anyway.
Hermione says writing a letter is a bad idea and Ron thinks I’m completely crazy anyway, but I thought I’d write to you anyway. It seems like a good idea, and my owl definitely agrees with me. Her name is Snoopadoop. I think I named her when I was a little bit drunk. Sometimes it seems like a really good name, and then sometimes it seems awful. I quite like it right now. It sounds nice if you say it. Sn is a good sound. Ssnnooooooooopadoooooooop. Try it, Malfoy. It’s fun.
Anyway, I was writing you a letter because it’s
you’re your birthday. And somebody told me that nobody had gone to see you except Pansy. Nobody should be on their own on their birthday. Birthdays are meant to be fun. And that gets better with more people. Unless you’re very strange and find being on your own fun. I used not to like my birthdays very much, until Hagrid turned up with a cake. Maybe I should come and give you a cake? Though maybe it’s a bit late at night. I can’t remember what time it is really.
But anyway, I think I’m meant to hate you or something. But I don’t think I do really. That’s strange, isn’t it? Do you still hate me, Malfoy? I don’t like the name Malfoy. I’m going to call you Draco. Like a big dragon. Maybe I should send you a dragon for your birthday. Hagrid would love a dragon.
I’m not quite sure why I decided to write this, but you probably will hate it. But I’m going to send it anyway. Mostly because you have pretty hair, I think. Your hair is very pretty. I can always see it from ages away. And then your pointy little face looks quite pretty with it. You’re quite pretty generally, actually. I like pretty people they make the world feel better.
And I don’t think you’re as horrible as you used to be. When we were younger you were a bit nasty, you know. But I think you’re better now. Pansy once said something to me about how you wish the war hadn’t gone how it had, and you hated Vlodemort really vehemently. I’m not quite sure what vehemently means though, so I hope that’s a good thing.
I’m probably drunk now, and I’ll probably regret sending this when I’m not because I always sund stupid and go on and on and don’t make sense or anything. But I do think you deserve a better birthday. I had years of horrid ones and nobody deserves that.
Happy Birthday, Draco.
Moronic as the tone of your letter and the style of your writing, I nonetheless appreciate the sentiment. I thank you warmly for your consideration.
Draco A. Malfoy
Quite frankly, you sound like you have a broomstick shoved up your arse. I apologise if that is the reaction that my letter got from you.
I was more than a little drunk when I wrote it, and I fully appreciate that I came across as a madman. I can assure you that I am not, and I don’t usually sound like one. I’m trying to be formal now, but it just sounds like I have as much of a broom up my arse as you do. I may not be mad, but I do usually adopt a more informal tone. I don’t know, that might come across as a little bonkers sometimes.
Also, I thought your middle name was Lucius.
P.S. I looked up vehemently. I’m glad I was right. It is a good thing.
Of course my middle name is not Lucius. Having ones father’s name in ones middle name is more than a little common. I have my grandfather’s name, Abraxas, unlike you.
I shall endeavour not to sound, as you so eloquently put it, as though I have a broomstick up my arse. However, this is my normal tone.
Draco Abraxas Malfoy
P.S. Why were you even talking to Pansy anyway?
You may not wish to not be ‘common’, but that’s probably why you sound like you have a stick up your arse. And yes, I am aware of my eloquence.
So what if I have my father’s name? I think there are far more important things to care about. For instance, why you, with all your aristocratic airs, deigns to reply to me.
Harry James Potter
P.S. I talk to Pansy a lot now. Her office is practically next door to mine.
Boredom, I think. It’s not like I have much to do.
Also, I would like to suggest re your first letter that you stop drinking.
Draco A. Malfoy
I shall have to tell Pansy to stop gossiping about me, then. Or possibly just stop telling her things.
In that case, I suggest that you go and find something to do.
No, I will not stop drinking. Maybe as revenge for saying that I shall have to write to you again when I’m drunk.
No force in the world could stop Pansy gossiping
Did you know that you are the scum of the earth?
Guess what, it’s Saturday night. Saturday night means drinking. You are in for a treat, Malfoy.
Merlin give me strength.
I was about to go to bed then I remembered I had to write to you. I’m not sure why you hate my drunk letters so much. I quite like writing them. Are you always so prickly? Prickly, pointy Draco with his pretty hair.
Actually, all of you is quite pretty. Prickly pretty Draco. You have cheekbones that sort of stick out and they used to be ugly when you were little but now they just make me want to touch them. I want to touch your hair, too. Pretty hair. I don’t think your actual hair would be prickly I think it would be very smooth and soft and lovely.
You always wear robes when I see you as well. It’s a pity because they’re always slim cut and I can always just see the outline of your arse and you have a very pretty arse that doesn’t actually have an actual broomstick up it. Unless you like having broomsticks of another kind up it.
That was meant to be a joke. Hermione says my jokes are awful when I’m drunk but it made me think about your arse and how much I like it. I can never see your legs because you wear robes but I think your legs are probably very nice too and I really like nice legs. You’re very pretty and I want to see your legs and your pretty arse and your pretty hair. And your lips are very nice too they are sort of soft looking but you always move them when you’re thinking and I want to kiss them. But you probably wouldn’t let me and that’s sad.
I’m definitely drunk and I’m probably going to regret sending this because you probably actually hate me a little bit but you’re very pretty and I want to kiss you and feel your pretty arse and things. Now I’ve said pretty far too many times and it sounds weird in my head. Preeetty. You’re the prettiest person I know.
Dear Mr Potter,
Mr Draco Malfoy would like to invite you to his home at Malfoy Manor at your earliest convenience, but only once you’re sober. He promises not to be wearing robes.
Mr Harry Potter would like to apologise for the atrocious quality of his writing, and his poor vocabulary, including an inability to find any synonyms for the word arse. He shall be present at Malfoy Manor at eleven o’clock precisely, and requests that Mr Malfoy take into account his appreciation for all things pretty.